Finding Comfort in Chaos

Many of us have heard this before, but it is worth repeating. What we experience and feel when we go through job loss is very similar to what we feel when we experience the death of someone we love. We feel some of the very same emotions. We go through the same grieving process: experiencing denial/ shock, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Whether you choose to leave a job, lose it due to poor performance, or are laid off due to the economy, it is likely you might personalize the feelings, lowering your self esteem. This is a natural feeling since you have lost so many things: your daily routine, an activity (work) that serves a purpose, not to mention the loss of income, and sense of security.

One thing to keep in mind is that with difficult times comes opportunity for growth and renewal. The key to this strategy is to allow yourself to move through the different phases. Starting with a general awareness of how you are feeling. How did you react when you first learned that you will no longer be working with that business? Was it unbelievable? Were you angry? Did you try to negotiate to keep your position? It is also very common to deny, not just the job loss, but also the fact that you are even experiencing any of these emotions. It is common in our society to ignore our feelings, rather than embracing them and using them to move forward.

If you are planning to move right into another job, it is key to remember that what we feel on the inside, whether we admit to these feelings or not, comes through on the outside. In other words, our energy and attitude comes through when we speak. You might choose the right words, but your body language, intent, and tone all contribute to the message you portray as well.

I was once working with an Executive Director who lost his job due the politics of his Board of Directors. He was extremely knowledgeable and skilled, but could not move past any first interviews. We did some mock interview exercises. When asked about why he left his last position, he immediately turned red in the face and got an angry look in his eyes. While the words he chose were the “right” words, it was apparent that he had not dealt with how he felt regarding his dismissal. At this point we chose to address the emotion tied to his job loss. He stated that he had never acknowledged his hurt and angry feelings towards how his employment situation was handled by his Board of Directors. He explained to me that he had a lot of support from his wife, but said that they never talked about how he “felt” in regards to the company’s politics that caused his termination. Having people in your life you can support you and validate how you feel is critical to move on.

With just the realization that his emotions were apparent in our conversation, he was able to do some extensive reflecting on how he felt and what he can learn from what had happened. We practiced different ways to address that question in an interview, including the wording, body language, tone of voice and his physical state. After each of his next two interviews, he received job offers and is now happily employed again as a successful Executive Director.

While the process for this one person may seem simple, it is not always that easily resolved. We often feel frustration and anxiety during this transition. It is highly recommend finding some sort of physical activity where you can let off steam, and also increase your metabolism and endorphins. The endorphins of course, reduce the feeling of pain and allow us to feel a little happier. If you are stuck for activities, consider swimming, running, fast walking, bowling, gardening, sweeping/vacuuming, or bicycling.

Another stressor that comes with job transition is how it impacts, not just us, but those we are close to; our family. Children tend to be sensitive to what their adults are experiencing and are often a good source of support and positive distraction. It is a good practice to talk with your children (age appropriately) about what is happening regarding your work situation.

If finances are a critical part of your transitional period, it is important to see what money, benefits, or continuation of health insurance might be available to you from your previous employer. Unemployment insurance is also a good, temporary source of income. Some people have shared with me that they see it as a “handout” but something to remember is that it is insurance and just like other types of insurance, it is okay to utilize it for the purpose it is intended, that is to say to help make ends meet when we lose our job to no fault of our own. It is a good idea to be in contact with your creditors as they can typically make arrangements to help during this transition.

It is important to remember that this situation is temporary. Do not “punish” yourself. Allow yourself some enjoyment. Reward yourself when you accomplish a goal: an ice cream when you get your résumé updated, a night at the movies when you contact 10 businesses throughout the week, etc. This can be a time for opportunity; to start fresh. Life has many periods of change. This is another chance to start fresh; an opportunity waiting to happen. Joseph Campbell says, “We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Now is your time.